You may know that I’m Polish, Irish, and Catholic. Or in other words, I’m more than built for having a huge family to continue on the string of eating, breeding, Polish/Irish Catholics. This isn’t something I’m ever going to fight. It’s what I want. A huge family. I want to be able to surround myself with people that I will unconditionally love because they are my own flesh and blood. This has always been a big deal to me. Being the dork I am, I’ve done some thinking and decided between three and seven kids would be appropriate for my desires. Yeah, you’re thinking “Seven kids?!” And I’m thinking “Only seven kids?!” That’s what makes me different. That doesn’t even seem like many kids to me. Because that’s what I want. Getting married to my best friend and the love of my life. Having kids. Watching them grow up together. Becoming grandparents. It’s my goal in life.
I’ve always been the nurturing type, hence why I’m going to be a nurse. What better way to keep from suffocating my children and friends with care then to care for other people’s kids and friends. My friends always called me ‘Mommy’ whenever I’d start asking questions to help figure out what’s wrong with them and the best way to fix the problem. I use to find this insulting. I even tried to stop caring so much. But it felt wrong to do that. So I just decided to wait until I found the person that let me do that and have it not be a problem for him. Anyone that lets me ask a continuous flow of questions and answers them without a second thought has to be good for me.
Now to kids. Children. Pregnancy. The whole thing gets me excited. Just the thought of being pregnant and I’m bouncing in anticipation. I’m not even taking into account the pre-pregnancy ritual. I always seem to completely forget about that (I get reminded of that on occasion..). Which is funny. And I then feel bad when I do remember. But babies. Feeling a baby move inside you, bringing life to the world. What greater gift is there in the world? None that I’ve ever been able to find. Not that I’ve actually had a baby of my own (yet), but it’s just a feeling I have. It seems so right. Like this was the reason I was brought to earth.
Currently I’m reading Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult. When I got the book, I must not have read the cover or something. The most I took from the synopsis was that it’s about music therapy. I think my aunt just told me that that’s what it was about, and didn’t tell me anything else. I started reading it and it starts out by going through Zoe’s struggles with pregnancy. It’s actually killing me a little to read this. The thought of myself not being able to have children has scared me from a young age. But I will continue to read it. I need to know how it ends up. So far it’s been predictable, just based on what I’ve seen in the past from books and real life. But I do not know how she’ll end up. I wonder if reading it may make me appreciate having kids more, or scare me more that I may be just like her. But I do know that if I don’t read it, I’ll always wonder, even if the book ends in a way that causes me tears.
I know this was a lot of personal information that wasn’t really “necessary”. But it was. In a way. The way I see it, I’m going to live life the way I want. I’m going to cherish the moments I have, and love with all my heart. Some things may not go as I plan, some things may hurt me so much I think the world will surely crush me where I stand. But what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger.
Recently I got a new charm for my James Avery bracelet. The Serenity Charm. It’s a symbol of many things for me. To keep going. To be happy even when it’s hard. To fight for what I want. To appreciate the things I do have. But most of all to not try to change things that I have no power or control over. I know Alcoholics Anonymous uses this poem for their meetings to help the members, but I’ve always loved it. For myself.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I’ve always been so serious and high strung and tried to change things that I can’t. I’d feel out of control when some thing goes wrong. But I realized that there’s something that are out of my hands. It took years to do this. But it’s so much healthier to live life how it is, accept it the way it is, and not be unhappy if one thing goes how I did not expect it. Be grateful for what you have every day of your life, don’t wish for things that aren’t possible. You’ll be happier. You’ll be healthier. You’ll change your life and see things you never saw before. So open your eyes, smile, and don’t be afraid to want what you want or to be scared.
While I’m terrified of not being able to have my husband’s children and bring life into this world, I know that I’ll get through it. With my husband. There might be a chance he leaves me because I can’t have his children, but I’ll know that if he does, he wasn’t right for me in the first place and maybe that’s why I couldn’t conceive. I just know, if it’s right, it’ll happen. I’ve learned not to fight what scares me. There’s no point. Someone will get hurt. I will get hurt.
So feel. Whether it’s happy, sad, angry, confused. Just feel something. That’s the best thing. Show your emotions. Let people know how you feel. Remember there are some things that can’t change. Some things you will never have control over. Make best of what you’ve got at the moment.
Be happy. Live. Love. Laugh. And do all those often. For you. For everyone around you. It’ll spread. You could change someone’s life. Just the way I hope I’ve shed some light on one of yours.
xoxo, the little birdy.